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Dear Kirby Vacuum Salesman-

First of all, your vacuum is kicka$$. Freakin’ expensive, but kicka$$. I just wanted to get that out of the way.

Second, I should probably have addressed this to “Kirby Vacuum Salesboy.” How old ARE you anyway?

Now, let’s get on with why I’m writing. I realize that this is probably all because of your training, but…

  • Your presentation is WAY too long. Seriously – two hours?? It’s a vacuum. I get that it has lots of neat things. I get that it’s going to clean better than any other vacuum in my house, in my neighborhood, on the planet…it doesn’t take TWO HOURS to convey that.
  • It’s CREEPY to go upstairs in a house you don’t live in. Especially since you didn’t really ask before you went, did you? I totally get that you want to show me all the gross stuff your vacuum will suck out of my mattress, but I don’t even really let my best friend in my room – why would I let some random guy in there??
  • Those filters you use to show me how much dust/dirt/gunk you’re getting out of my rugs/couches/mattress/etc..? Ya, I GET it. Put the bag on your vacuum and make the cleaning presentation go faster. Use the filter one or two times. Even one or two times per rug/couch/mattress/etc. would be fine.

And because I’m feeling so generous, here are a few personal tips:

  • I know you’re young, but mentioning that you still live with Mom doesn’t help your situation. Bragging that you still live with her almost kills it.
  • The “dramatic pause” when checking the filter was almost comical. Needs work.
  • Same goes for the “sneezing.” It made me want to say “You know, if you’re allergic to dust or cats, this might not be the right job for you.” And I would have. If the sneezing had been real.
  • That phone conversation you had with your manager? You know, to check to see if you could lower the price for us? SO.NOT.REAL. Was it your mom on the other end? Or someone’s voicemail? And exclaiming “NO WAY!” like $100 off of HOLY EXPENSIVE was some big thing..? Not cool.
  • Take a hint. When I go to put my kids to bed – it just might be time to leave.